Again with the Cubans
By Chris Jungle

The United States has been the economic and military power for about a century now since unofficially taking the crown from Great Britain. Oh sure, Japan sometimes beats out our GNP, but they were a pet project of ours anyway. There are, however, two countries that cannot be mentioned without a little cringing on the United States' part: Vietnam and Cuba. Vietnam is still looked at as a fluke because everyone assumed it a war, but no one knew how to keep score. Even those who will admit we lost the war grumble that no one goes undefeated but the Miami Dolphins. So while foreign affairs officials call Vietnam an accident, it still leaves Cuba.

Cuba can't be defined as a freak accident. It is a constant reminder of the fact that even though we are the strongest country in the world, there are still things out of our control. This is the country that we tried to start a revolution with a few refugees during the Bay of Pigs, and never has a movement been more aptly named. This is the country that we almost blew up the Earth over while trying to keep nuclear missiles out of, and there's no guarantee that we did keep them all out. Our reason for the near obliteration of civilization was a document written one hundred fifty years earlier called the Monroe Doctrine. We admittingly tried to assassinate Cuba's leader twice, and who knows how many more plans were thought up. An embargo on its products has been in effect for decades now, and Cuba is still communist even when the Soviet Union, the country that initially supported it, is not even intact any more.

The sad thing about Cuba, Castro, and the Communists is that we still hate them for getting away with surviving. During a David Letterman monologue in which Castro was mentioned visiting the United Nations, he asked the audience "What do you think about this Castro?" To which, the crowd had gave out a resounding chorus of boos. President Clinton was careful to not be within fifty feet of the man, so no one would assume they were having pictures taken together. Politicians still challenge each other on what they plan to do with Cuba, propaganda techniques are used to sway the people against their leader, and every four years, our boxers try, usually in vain, to beat theirs at the Olympics.

There is an acceptable answer to what will be done with Cuba, but no one wants to say it. The answer of what to do with Cuba is simply "Nothing." Keep the embargo on them if you want, and say it's because they're a bunch of Commie pinkos. It doesn't matter. Just stop trying to think up new ideas on how the United States can persuade the Cuban people to rise up against its government. Many of the people who are fed up with Castro won't rise up against him. They run away. They run to us.

Another reason not to come up with any more schemes against Cuba is that they are two steps ahead of us anyway. It's been stated that Cuba has had the best counterintelligence against the United States. Better than the Soviet Union. Better than Iraq. Better than Canada! They know when we're even thinking of messing with them, and since we're the only country that messes with them, they can have a pretty good focus. I think if I had just one enemy, I would keep a pretty good eye on him.

This doesn't mean we should love Castro and his communist ways. After all, he did double cross us when we led him into power in the 1950's, and we're good at holding grudges. It doesn't mean we should embrace the country with open arms and start trading with them again. Personally, I think their cigars are overrated just because of the fact that people can't get them. What is the big difference between the tobacco in the Dominican Republic and Cuba? It's pretty much the same area.

With all of the dumb things we've tried to do to change Cuba, we don't seem to get tired of trying. There's still a United States base at Guantanamo Bay just so we can look at the Cuban army. There's still propaganda machines like Radio and TV Marti which no one actually sees. There's probably a high ranking official plotting out the Bay of Pigs II. What's frightening about that idea is that sequels are never better than the originals.

So the next time the United States puts on its foreign relations shirt on and somebody asks what that spot is on the sleeve, let's be honest and say "Oh, that's Cuba. We've tried everything, but it just won't come out."

Chris Jungle would like to take up his by-line space to thank JFK and Khrushchev for not blowing up the world because of a dispute over missile placement.

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