Bounty hunters! We don't need their scum
By Chris Jungle

Chalk up another one for the Life Imitating Art column. President Clinton recently signed a bill that will take away one million dollars of U.S. military aid to Mexico if they do not prosecute or hand over ten suspected drug kingpins from their country. While the drug lord list was not readily available, it would not be surprising to find Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Princess Leia, C-3PO, R2-D2, and Chewbacca on the list, because this same tactic was used by Darth Vader in the The Empire Strikes Back in an attempt to capture the well-known rebels.

Of course, Clinton does not have the luxury of offering substantial rewards the way Darth Vader did, and the Mexican government doesn't have the same roguish style Boba Fett and the rest of the bounty hunters had. Nonetheless, the president's thinking on this subject is just a bit too close to the evil Empire's. In both situations, there are people who are avoiding the powerful (and controlling) government, and because of the government's failure to capture them personally, they plan to use methods bordering on unethical. When all else fails, both empires rely on the power of money to get what they want.

Although Darth Vader was successful at bringing in Luke through the use of Boba Fett, I don't think the outcome will be the same for Clinton's scheme. The problem with telling the Mexican government to go catch its kingpins is that the Mexican government would be biting the hand that feeds them. By threatening to take away one million dollars of aid, the U.S. government allows the Mexican government to become more dependent on the drug lords. There is a high probability that the drug lords will match Clinton's offer and cover any loss in aid to the Mexican government. The kingpins may even throw in another million dollars to the Mexican officials for being such good sports.

Clinton's problem is that he misunderstood the message in the movie. You can pay off bounty hunters to go after poor people (e.g. the people of Chiapas), but you can't go after the big money rollers by offering rewards. There was never a scene in the entire Star Wars Trilogy where anyone offered bounty hunters a reward to take out Jabba the Hut. Why? Because he was the one that employed the bounty hunters! That's just common sense.

Another foolish mistake is assuming that the Mexican government would be a good bounty hunter. A key characteristic of the best bounty hunters is that they are loyal to the mission. In other words, they can not be easily corrupted by others. In recent years, practically every high ranking official in the Mexican government had been accused of embezzlement, taking bribes, or just corruption in general. That really doesn't look good on the tracker resume. Even though the United States and Mexico are old NAFTA buddies, that doesn't mean they're loyal to the end and will take bullets for each other.

Even the core of this idea is a little bit far fetched. There are probably very few individuals in the world who would attempt to go after and capture ten of the highest drug kingpins in Mexico-and the ones that would accept such a challenge would probably want a great deal more than one million dollars. Is it logical to think that an entire government would want to accept the same challenge? One million dollars is still a lot of money for much of the world, but considering the man power and effort that would be used to catch the listed ten, the Mexican government would probably lose more money just trying.

It is possible that President Clinton knows the task is nearly impossible for the Mexican government to accomplish, and he basically wants to cut their funding. There is really no shame in cutting funding to other nations if desired, but to give them strange and complicated ultimatums is just down right cruel. It's like telling a seventy-five year old man that if he doesn't run a four minute mile his car will be stolen. Even the old men that could accomplish the feat would see the threat as strange and unusual. Just tell them straight out what you plan to do. Maybe by asking for ten drug lords, Clinton hopes to get around four or five. Now, haggling is a large part of the Mexican culture, but there are better ways to haggle than through a bill. Besides, the Mexicans are so good at it that they could probably talk their way down to handing over one or two of the smaller kingpins.

Regardless of whether the bill is being straight forward or has ulterior motives, it puts the Mexican government in awkward position. They are supposed to go after a major, albeit morally questionable, source of cash for their country. Colombians don't go after cocaine drug lords, Russia doesn't attack vodka dealers, and the United States hasn't indicted its tobacco and alcohol giants. For some reason, Mexico is expected to do what larger countries have not been able to do: catch and turn in the richest people in their country. They are expected to be Boba Fett. Well Mr. President, I've seen Boba Fett, I've read about Boba Fett, and quite frankly, the Mexican government is no Boba Fett. Heck, they're not even IG-88, and he was barely in the movie.

Chris Jungle is currently serving a two week jail sentence for blatantly taking a metaphor too far.

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