Hanging with the Bobster, early last week By Jon Worley
"Hey, Bob."
"What do you want?"
Good. He's in high spirits today.
"Gonna pick a veep?"
"Saturday. Bob Dole already told you, Bob Dole will make Bob Dole's decision by Saturday. Invite the guy out to the house, knock back a couple brews, you know."
"A guy. So Christie Todd Whitman is out?"
"Out? She turned me down before Bob Dole had even considered her. Bob Dole never wants to speak to her again."
"Alright, alright, then how about Connie Mack?"
"The A's manager? Didn't he retire a couple years back?"
"No, that's his grandfather. I was talking about Connie Mack the Third, the senator from Florida."
"He's a nut."
"Well, we all know that, but the people like nuts these days."
"Tell me about it."
"So how about John Engler?"
"The guy who had his wife on fertility pills, and got quadruplets as a result?"
"Quadruplets? I thought it was triplets."
"Don't know. Doesn't matter. Engler is just too weird to be a vice president. No sex appeal, either."
"Well, alright. Bill Bennett, maybe?"
"Asked him. He told Bob Dole he wasn't about jump onto a sinking ship."
"Bennett's no fool."
"No, he's not. But he told Bob Dole something interesting."
"What's that?"
"He said that Jack Kemp would be interested."
"Oh, right, after that New York primary bit."
"That's what Bob Dole told Bill Bennett. Bob Dole never wants to speak to that man again."
"Right. So who are you looking at?"
"Bob Dole is considering Fred Grandy."
"Gopher."
"But he's got sex appeal. As an NPR commentator, he might charm liberals over to the right side."
"So Gopher's in the pot. Does he want the job?"
"As soon as he heard Bob Dole was interested, he destroyed all his cellular phones. But Bob Dole will track him down and see what he thinks."
"Is there anyone who actually wants the job?"
"Bob Dole has gotten three resumes. One from Lyndon LaRouche, who apparently is out of jail. Another from Bob Dornan, the fool. And one from a guy named Phil in Toledo. Bob Dole kinda likes Phil."
"What does Phil do?"
"Phil's a basic guy. He eats potato chips while watching old war movies on Operation TNT. Bob Dole thinks he's a real Bob Dole type of guy."
"But do you really want someone who wants to get on your campaign?"
"It does exhibit a sort of rampant stupidity, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, Bob. Maybe you'd better do the best thing."
"What's that?"
"Run Dick Nixon from beyond the grave. After all, the Constitution doesn't prohibit dead people from running for office. Corpses merely can't take office. And it's not like that would be a problem."
"Bob Dole doesn't know. Would Bob Dole look more foolish running with Jack Kemp, a man Bob Dole hates, or with Dick Nixon, a dead man Bob Dole idolized?"
"I'd call that an even choice."
"Alright, let's flip. Heads it's the Jack ass, tails it's Bob Dole's good friend Dick."
"Here, Bob. Use my special coin."
Jon Worley is editor of Aiding & Abetting, an electronic underground music signpost on the world-wide web. He lives rather near the western shore of Tampa Bay.