The senator made me like boys
By Todd Foltz

Sunday evening has come, and as my eyes watch the clock stepping off the minutes to my fate like a digital sentry, my stomach is tightening rapidly.

It is on Sunday evenings that my parents call to check up on their long-haired, know-it-all Generation X son. They're protective and understandably concerned about me, particularly since I quit a job as entertainment editor for a daily paper in Missouri and moved 1,100 miles away to start a business that failed before it began because the chief investor backed out (and if anyone wants to invest in an Internet radio station, we're still accepting investors ... ).

But the news I'm about to give my parents should rock them like Hurricane Fran, which missed my new home in Florida mostly because of the stern words my mom had with the atmosphere. Now I'm afraid of the stern words I'll receive.

You see, I've decided to start dating boys.

Woah! Sorry, Dad. And no, Mother, you weren't too overbearing when I was a child. I suppose my curfew was too early, but the fact that the sun was still in the sky should have told you that. But my decision to become a switch hitter has nothing to do with either you or my 8 p.m. curfew.

And the devil didn't make me do it, either. A U.S. senator did.

Now granted, the difference may be a split hair, but I think my parents would prefer to think Ol' Lucifer possessed me than to accept that I'm merely following the suggestion of a member of Congress. They didn't even want me to be an honorary page for a day in the Missouri State House of Representatives when I was in junior high because of that national sex scandal involving congressmen and pages.

But what's really going to bother my parents is that the senator in question is a Republican.

Yep, good ol' Sen. Don Nickles of Oklahoma may have changed my life forever. I saw him on CNN last weekend, ranting on against homosexual marriages, his ruddy cheeks blowing out with each word like those of a horse snorting in fear. In fact, he was lathering up so much I began to think of the movie "Equis," which I'm sure wasn't what the senator had in mind at all. For those of you who haven't heard about it, "Equis" is about a guy who doesn't like women but really, really, really likes horses. Richard Burton was in the movie.

But oversight or not, Sen. Nickles wasn't complaining about horses; he was complaining about gay marriages. And here is the reason he ponied up: The chief problem with legalizing gay and lesbian marriages, as the honorable senator sees it, is that homosexuals are too much like bisexuals. And bisexuals, who by definition date both boys and girls, are therefore promiscuous. And as every good senator knows, anyone who is promiscuous can't get married because they have too darn much sex to ever commit to one person.

Wow! Does Sen. Nickles ever have a point! Now, the CNN clip didn't show him giving any examples to prove his point, but important names quickly come to mind: Wilbur Mills, Gary Hart, Dick Morris ­ oops! those guys were all caught being heterosexually adulterous.

But who am I to quibble?

Because I realize the true meaning in Sen. Nickles' words. He ostensibly may have been condemning gays and lesbians as unwholesome freaks of nature, but what he really was saying was: Todd, you don't have to be celibate anymore!

Now that's what I call government services.

Let me tell you, Florida isn't what all those USA Up All Night girlie movies would have you think it is. Sorry to break the news to you. I'm disappointed too, though my girlfriend back in Missouri is happy about it. But there are no beautiful women who enjoy potbellied gomers here. There aren't even wild parties every night involving school marms, high school dropouts and donkeys. Three months into my residency, I have yet to be hit on by a single woman (or a married one, for that matter), much less see a topless car wash or a naked beach party.

You could say I'm rather bummed.

So the thought occured to me that maybe I'm just too picky, trying to date one gender when I'm surrounded by the other ­ particularly when Sen. Nickles has assured America that anyone who dates someone of the same sex automatically gets lots of sex.

So it's actually serendipitous that the only people who have hit on me in Florida ­ and this has happened so often I've shaved my mustache and stopped wearing my hard hat and tool belt to the dance clubs ­ are guys! Maybe the old saying is right: When life gives you lemons, as they say, you make lemonade.

And drink it with one pinky raised high.

Cheers, Senator. I expect my phone to start ringing off the hook immediately.

Todd Foltz hasn't yet started enjoying all the pleasures of the flesh, but if you're interested give him a call. He's in the book.

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