Everybody (well, probably mostly the guys, since we were the ones who wanted to compare sports and sex in the first place) knows about the date analogy of 'how far did you get?' in baseball terms. First base: A Kiss. Seconds base: Touching The Breasts. Third base: Touching the Coochie. Home Run: Fucking. Time tested and repeated to every generation since sometime in the late 1800s when baseball began its reign as The National Pastime. But is there a real correlation to baseball and sex or is it just another one of those ways of describing a situation without using the right words? And what about all the other sports? Why aren't they like sex? Why isn't having sex like a touchdown?
The first (and probably best) reason for this is that baseball has no time limits. How good would sex be if you had to be done in fifteen minutes? If there was no such thing as slow love, but just quickies? So this is the biggest reason that baseball beats basketball, football, soccer, hockey and the like. Baseball could go on forever...and sometimes seems like it does.
And then there is the action issue. Most sports just keep moving all the time. Some of this could be because of the time issue, but there seems to be this rush. Like they have to get somewhere fast. Baseball takes its time. In baseball, the pitcher pitches and the batter might swing. He might connect. He might just wait for something better. It's like staring into the eyes of your lover, knowing that she wants to kiss you, but it's not time yet. It will happen, but you (as the batter) must choose your time wisely. Go to quickly and you overload-it's all over. Wait too long and she's driving home. She's throwing mostly perfect pitches and you've got to choose the right one to make it go all night. To get the home run.
There's no nuance in other sports. Football-just run the fucker through the goddamn line. Hit people, bash 'em, punch your way through for the touchdown. Not to subtle-or sexy. Basketball...please. Big lunkheads running around all the time, kneeing people in the nuts, elbowing them in the head, basically doing the football mentality without pads. The other sports are pretty much the same. It's so blatant, it's like a bad porno-which isn't really sex. It's blood and guts masturbation material. And like Madonna always told me, "If I use your fingers, it's not masturbation. It's sexual abuse." So much for being romantic.
return to LIES #2 index.
return to LIES home page.
return to A&A home page.